My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
