Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I intend to get homeless drunk
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Randomize
