hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
we're making bets on your personal life
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
