The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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