Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize