he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
