Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
