here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
