Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
