Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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