Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
