I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
