I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I intend to get homeless drunk
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
