I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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