I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
