I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
