First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
