Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
