When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
