Non-Jews are for practice
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
