I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
this boner is exhausting
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
