I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
So many bounce houses so little time
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
