I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
