How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
