We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
