Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
