I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
