I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
