can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
