i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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