if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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