Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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