I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Randomize
