saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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