Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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