i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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