A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
