I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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