***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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