I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
