I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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