no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
