tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
