Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
