I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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