Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
