dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
