on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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