My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
The power of my boobs compel you
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
