We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Just high enough for therapy.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
