she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
