tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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