just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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