Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
