so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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