Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
