I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
