Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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