just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
