Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
His nipple licking is glorious
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