in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
